Monday, April 30, 2007

Friday, April 27, 2007

The Devil and Kyoto

Let's start with the good news, what little there is, and give the devil his due: at least Harper and the Tories have done something on carbon emissions.
Mind you, it's very little and probably far too late, but at least it's something.
The bad news is that our Kyoto commitments will be not be met, in violation of international law, and there is no guarantee that the Tories' targets will result in emissions being reduced anyway.
By using intensity targets instead of hard caps, it will possible for industries to increase their emissions, yet still meet the Tories emission reduction targets. How's that for having it both ways?
And the ultimate kicker is that industries that can prove that they have no way of reducing their emissions, cement factories for instance, don't have to. That makes a lot of sense. I can prove that my industrial waste emissions, which are killing people and the planet, cannot be reduced in any way, therefore I should be allowed to continue to kill people and the planet with impunity. WTF???
The Tories worry that too much emission reduction will damage the economy. I wonder how much the economy will suffer when ocean levels rise in a couple of decades and Canada has a million former-residents of Vancouver as refugees. Of course, that sort of long-term thinking never enters the thoughts of most politicians.
The ultimate irony is that the Kyoto targets are only a start. They are only a small fraction of what needs to be done. Meeting Kyoto is only the beginning: the real hard cuts are yet to come.
If you hear any politician say that we can continue on our merry way and all we need to do change a few light bulbs and drive a little less and everything will be fine, he is woefully ill-informed. Or he is lying.
Vast societal changes are coming. But the politicians, like the rest of us, have their heads in the sand.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 8

FROM THE DESK OF MR.IDRIS MUSA.
BILL AND EXCHANGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
( BOA)OUAGADOUGOU,
BURKINA FASO ,
Dear friend,
Compliments, I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I am writting to seek your coperation over this business deal. In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of$15million USD(Fifteen million US dollars)only , in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash that took place in Kenya,East Africa,the Late DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY,a citizen of Atlanta,United States of America but naturalised in Burkinafaso,WestAfrica and contractor with ECOWAS,(ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES) .
Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately , all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to makethis businness proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money Could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill. The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remainedunclamed after four years, the money will betransfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
40 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner, inrespect to the provision of a foreign account. 10 %will be set aside for expences incured during the business and 50 % would be for me.
There after I will come over to your country for disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased,indicating your claims and wherein the money will be remitted .
Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of application which you will fill and submit to the office of the foreign remittance director of the bank of africa. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is stricly confidential and i will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter. Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Please , visit the website below for more informations about the PlaneCrash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late DR.GEORGE BRUMLEY. http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/07/20/kenya.crash/index.html

Your’s faithfully,
MR.IDRIS MUSA

Idris, you crazy bastard! Can't you see I'm swamped with requests from your people? Ye gods man, I'm not buried under mountains of vacuous toadies willing to rinse my shoes with their lick-spittle so that they may honour me by performing these menial accounting nonsensicals you keep demanding of me! Sweet festering christ, I'm already working four plane crashes, one tsunami relief scam and two lotteries for you people! Not to mention the Vancouver Canucks -- what a scam if they win the Stanley Cup this year!
No, Idris, they must stop! Hide in the green zone -- you'll be safe there!

Rantingly yours,
John

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The Long Recovery Week 22

Today was another Doctor appointment. My surgeon wanted another look-see.
After I stretched and move my arm and shoulder around, he said he was very pleased with my recovery. So pleased in fact that he doesn't want to see me again.
He said that I will probably never get full range back, especially when reaching straight up over my head. But the mobility that I have now is more than adequate to be described as functional. And as long as I use it, it will keep getting better, so working and stretching are still the keys.
He said that I had sustained a lot of damage and scarring, but he was quite happy with my recovery.
And so am I, of course. I thanked him, and left the hospital. Five months ago, my arm and shoulder were shattered. Now my arm works. What more can I ask for?

Evolution in Action 3

Breakfast, Anyone?

Sunday's paddle was an example of great minds thinking alike. And yes, even though the minds in question were Bernie's and mine, it still all worked out okay in the end.
Bernie suggested a paddle at Thetis Lake and further suggested that we arrive an hour earlier than our usual meeting time of 9:00 am. His thought was that if we met at 8:00 am, we should get good parking spots and avoid all the early morning Sunday dog walkers.
I countered that we could meet at 8:00 am, but we didn't have to launch right away... we could have breakfast on the shore.
And thus was born The Breakfast Paddle.

Bernie make fire.... and food.

After a yummy breakfast of poached eggs, lamb sausage, and wraps, we napped for an hour. Well, no, not really. But we did get into a discussion of water bottles and we soon discovered that between the five of us, we had nine bottles. Clearly, we're a bunch of heavy drinkers. Nine water bottles? For Thetis Lake?? Louise and I only had one each, so between Paula, Bernie and Alison, they averaged two and a third bottles each. I know it pays to be prepared but this is ridiculous!

On the other hand, we are a bunch of gearheads.

And away we go.

Not much in the way of wildlife today...

...but it sure is pretty.

A nice day to just float and see where you end up.


Mind you, you have to give The Killer Goose plenty of room.

And them the rain came!

Time to head back -- quickly!

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 7

FROM, THE DESK OF DR IDRIS RIMI,
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT(BOA).
BANK OF AFRICA,
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA FASO.
www.bkofafrica.net

Dear Friend,

How are you doing with your family? Hope fine, Please pay attention and understand my reason of contacting you today through this email, My name is Dr Idris Rimi, Bill and Exchange Manager in Bank Of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso. In my department, during the Auditing of the year 2006, I discovered an abounded sum of €4.500.000.00 Pounds that belongs to our Late Mr. Morris Thompson, an American prominent man who unfortunately lost his life in the plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261, which crashed on January 31st 2000. You may read more about the crash on visiting this C.N.N News internet website below.

http://archives.cnn.com/2000/US/02/01/alaska.airlines.list/

I desperately need your assistance to secure and move this huge sums of money left behind by my late client to the tune of €4.500.000.00, (Four million five hundred thousand pounds) out from Bank Of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso to your own account, he executed contract through Department of Work and Housing here in Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso and the mentioned money above is his money left in our bank before his death. Meanwhile, for your smoothness of this transaction, I will pay you 30% of the total sum for your co-operation in this matter. If you know that you are interested and capable to handle this business transaction, come up with the information's showed below:-

1. Your Full Name:
2. Your Contact Cell Phone Number:
3. Your Age:
4. Your Sex:
5. Your Occupations:
6. Your Country and City:

As soon as possible all these information's is submitted to me, I will
immediately draft an application form with all your information's and send
back to you, so that you will proceed with the transaction by sending the
form to BOA bank for the transferring of this fund into your account.

Yours Faithfully,
DR IDRIS RIMI.

Holy Crap! Idris, you lousy bastard! Do you want a stool sample, too?
This whole plan sounds like it's plummeting to earth faster than Canada's Kyoto commitments.
You need someone more dark, more black ops than me to make this crazy scheme work. You need a Cheney, a dark and evil oozing menace, who's able to play rough, who can shoot his best friend in the face without blinking or thought.

Me, I'm too far gone for this. I like the quiet life now, I can't do the violence anymore. Maybe that's just my fat belly and the rum talking. And the Diet Coke.
But good luck, pally. You'll need it.
Salut.

John

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Monday, April 16, 2007

Posable Heron

Yesterday out at Cadboro Bay, this heron wanted to be a star!

Evolution in Action 2

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 6

!!!!!!!!CONGRATULATION!!!!!!!!!
UNITED KINGDOM IN COLABRATION WITH GOLD MINING COMPANY.
LONDON MILLION INT & NATIONAL LOTTERY PROMOTION
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO,12th AVENUE KWAME NKRUMAH 01 BP .
WINNER- REF: LP/26510460037/03.
BATCH: 24/00319/IPE
http://www.WorldWideLotto.com


WINNING/AWARD FINAL NOTIFICATION
It is our pleasure to inform you of the declaration and aof winners of the LONDON MILLION INT LOTTERY AWARD held on 10TH of Decembre 2006.Having picked your mail address by our electronic web site visitors collectors in-recognition of your patronage to the Internet services.
In the final draw,your name was attached to ticket number 6325698-44596-222,
with serial number 410-32659,draw lucky numbers 4014-236985744-596 which consequently won in the 2nd category.
You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of

$1,000,000.00 ONE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS), In cash accredited file No:LP/26510460037/03. This is from a Total Cash Prize of
($48,400,000,000.00 FOURTY EIGHT BILLION FOUR HUNDRED MILLION U.S DOLLARS) shared among the 22 International Countries in this category. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 names from Africa, Australia, New Zealand, America,Europe,North America and Asia as part of International Promotions Program that is conducted annually to encourage the use of Internet and Internet based programs. We are delighted to express our heartfelt congratulations to you.
We hope that with a fraction of your wining money,you will be able to assist the less privilege in your society and also participate in our next year high stakes promotions of Euro 100 million International Lottery.
For your information on how you will start the Processing and remittance of your prize money to your designated account of your choice.

Please contact the claiming Manager stated below to receive your winning Money immediately:
NATIONAL LOTTERY PROMOTIONS/PRIZE GIVING AWARD
12TH.AVENUE KWAME N'KRUMAH,
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA-FASO.
NAME: MR.Mohammed Salif.
Email: claiiming_manager_bfs226@gawab.com


Remember,all prize money must be claimed not later than 15th Apr. 2007.

After this duration,all funds will be returned to the Ministry of Economic Affairs as unclaimed.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in every one of your correspondences with us or to our coordinate sponsor's bank. Should there be any change of your address, do inform the claiming Manager to process your transaction as soon as possible.
!!!CONGRATULATION!!!
Congratulations from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.
Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to disqualification.

We wish you continued good fortunes.
Best Wishes.
The Management,
Lottery Organisation.



Dear Mr. Salif,
!!!!!!!!!!WOW!!!!!!!!!
How lucky can I guy get? This is the fourth lottery I've won this month! Or is it the fifth?

!!!!!WHO CARES!!!!!!
Surfing all those porn sites is finally paying off for me!
But wait -- you say that "[a]ny breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to disqualification." You mean I can't even tell my 83 year-old mother that I've won? Won't she get suspicious when I star running over tree-huggers in my new Hummer?

Yours,
John

Thursday, April 12, 2007

So It Goes

Kurt Vonnegut picked my birthday yesterday to die.
What a pisser.
He was a literary giant; moreso, he was a literary giant who wrote science fiction.
Most famous for Cat's Cradle and Slaughterhouse-Five, my first Vonnegut was Breakfast of Champions, a funny and sad novel that many of Vonnegut's regular cast of characters wandered through, including Kilgore Trout, a science fiction writer who toils away at his craft making no money and gaining no fame. But it is through Trout that Vonnegut answered that age old question.
It is Trout, while sitting in a men's room stall, who sees the question scrawled on the stall wall:
"Why are we here?"
Trout doesn't hesitate for a moment. He whips out a pen and replies:
"To be the eyes and the ears of the conscience of the universe."
And it is in Slaughterhouse-Five that Vonnegut becomes our conscience, bemoaning the madness of war and lives that spin out of control.
Another moment lost, another giant falls.
So it goes.
Hi ho.


The Works of Kurt Vonnegut
A recent Vonnegut Interview in Rolling Stone
An excerpt from his last book, A Man Without a Country: A Memoir of Life in George W. Bush's America

Evolution in Action 1

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 5

My name is Mrs Helen Rossini Of Starco Uk industry.
Starco Uk industry is a Consortium of Export/Import industries Based in the United Kingdom but with Branches and Payment officers and offices all around Asia and Africa,USA,Canada,Israel and Russia. We are currently recruiting payment officers in your Locality.
Your responsibility will be to:
a.Process payments and disburse to payment officers under you.
b.To maintain and update the payment website under which you man.
c.To send weekly reports on status of payments of transactions.

Job Requirement:
a. You Must Have a Bank Account with any financial institution.
b. You Must have access to the Internet at least twice (2) a Day to enable you give us proper update on payments.
c. You Must have a Direct Cell Phone to enable our customers call for verification before payments are made in your Favor.
d. Your Loyalty and Anxiousness toward this Job would attract increment in your Commission Charges.
If you already work and need something else to bring more funds,this is the offer too!
If you would like this send an email to the address below stating your interest and possible
qualifications.starco_industry01@yahoo.co.uk
starco_industry01@yahoo.co.uk
Hope to Read from you asap.
Regards Mrs Helen Rossini.


Dear Mrs Rossini
I'd love to help, but currently I'm working a number of shadey schemes with some bankers from Burinka Faso.
Thanks anyway!

Yours,
John

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Superthunderstingcars Are Go!

Karl found this! It's awesome! Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in their glory years!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

This is Why They Call It Windows

The Long Recovery Week 20

Despite my prediction in the last installment that it might be at least a month before I'd be back on the water or on my bike, a few days ago my physio-therapist gave me permission to kayak and ride again. So not being a person to let moss grow under my feet, mainly because then they smell icky and turn green, it was time to return to action with a short paddle at Elk Lake.
The Usual Gang showed up: Alison, Paula, Louise, Bernie, and myself. Even the elusive Dennis appeared.

My left arm is still weak, so getting in and out was a bit of a challenge. I tried a couple of times on land and it was doable. So I got into my kayak and Paula pushed me off.

And now, 161 days after my last paddle, I can only paraphrase Bill Murray from the film What About Bob?: I'm paddling! I'm paddling!

Louise soon hit the water, while Dennis decided to wave goodbye and go home. No, just kidding. It was good to have the gang out on the water again.

Bernie headed out.

Dennis decided that I was taking too many pictures of Bernie, so he made sure that Bernie's face was hidden in this picture.

It was busy out on the lake today... the rowing club was having a big celebration this weekend and was using much of the lake, but that was okay. We were just doing a small, short paddle today, because I didn't want to overdo it on my first paddle.

So we paddled gently and watched the races.

My shoulder survived reasonably well. It was sore and stiff, but not overly so. The hardest part was tying down the kayaks onto the van. Holding my arms up while tying off the straps took a lot of effort. But I did it! Or rather, we did it, as everyone was very keen to help. Afterwards, The Gang presented me with a Challenge Trophy, for overcoming a challenge!

Ah, bliss!

Friday, April 06, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 4

From Awanayi Kussi,
Abidjan, Ivory Coast
West Africa.

Dearest One

it’s my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country, though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk, confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.
There is this huge amount of money United State Dollars (USD$11.500, 000.00) which I inherit from my late father, in a Security company here in Cote’d lvoire before he was assassinated by unknown persons.
Now I decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for security purposes. I want you to help me to transfer this fund into your country for investment purposes.
If you can be of assistance to me I will be pleased to offer you 10% of the total fund.

Thank you and God bless you.
Awanayi Kussi.


Yo, Awanayi!
That exchange rate must be a killer if you think that US$11.50 is a huge amount of money!
Better luck next life!

Yours,
John

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 3

OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF CREDIT CONTROL
INTERNATIONAL CREDIT BANK PLC,101-103 AVENUE,
KWAME NKURUMAH,OUAGADOUGOU
BURKINA FASO.
PHONE NUMBER: +226-7803-5295.

Date: MARCH 2007.

Dear Sir/Madame,
REQUEST FOR YOU TO STAND AS A NEXT OF KIN AND REPATRIATE 5.5 MILLION USD TO YOUR PRIVATE/COMPANY ACCOUNT.
I was mandated by the Managing Director of INTERNATIONAL CREDIT BANK PLC to ascertain your interest and capability to Co-operate with us in actualizing this highly rewarding project on repatriation of funds to your country. Are you willing to be presented as the bonafide next of kin to Mr.Floyd Tarantino, a crude oil merchant from Australia. Until his untimely death by the Tsunami Disaster in Indonesia, Mr.Floyd operated a fixed Deposit account of Five Million five hundred thousand United States Dollars(US$5,500,000.00) with INTERNATIONAL CREDIT BANK PLC.
Sequel to his death, the Bank made concerted effort to contact the immediate family in Australia in order to re-claim and transfer the ownership of the fund.
Unfortunately, the Bank discovered recently that the immediate families of the depositor Mr. Floyd were also drastically affected by the same Tsunami while on holidays. Apparently, the fund is now in full custody of the Bank. After a very serious survey, I and the CEO of the Bank decided to repatriate this fund to a trustworthy and reliable overseas bank account for high yield investment portfolios.
The modality of disbursing the fund will be discussed fully with the Bank-Account owner/provider, which we are offering you.
All the documents establishing the deposit of the fund and empowering you to be Next of Kin/Beneficiary of the fund will be perfectly secured in your name if interested in helping secure the fund. Transfer of this fund can be swiftly and successfully implemented within 14 bank working days if you provide the necessary overseas infrastructure required to realize the objective.
Please protect my position in my bank by keeping everything secret and confidential until we transfer this funds to your distination. Be kind enough to confirm the receipt of this message for more clarification.
Awaiting your reply.
Sincerely,
Mr. Simpore Hamado (JP)


Dear Mr. Hamado,
Holy crap, you bankers in Burkina Faso are a bunch of thieving little rats, aren't you? Are you sure you've never worked for RBC or TD Canada Trust?
You're trying to bilk the family of a Tsunami victim! Have you no shame trying to profit off the fatal misfortune of others? Who do you think you are, Donald Rumsfeld?
Futhermore, your plan will never work. I don't have any "necessary overseas infrastructure" for you to exploit, not unless you're counting that Meccano set that I left in England when I was five.

Yours,

John

PS. I need at least a 70/30 split before it's worth my while to even consider your ridiculous plan.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Favourite SF Films

SFX Magazine had a poll on the best SF films of all time. The winner: Serenity.
The top ten:
1. Serenity
2. Star Wars
3. Blade Runner
4. Planet of the Apes
5. The Matrix
6. Alien
7. Forbidden Planet
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
9. The Terminator
10. Back to the Future

Today's Obligitory Cheap Bush Joke

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the Parrot."

Stop Motion Fight

This is pretty cool... some people have way too much time on their hands...

Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Spam Chronicles 2

Mr.BUHARI TIJANI
The Manager of Audit & Accountancy Dept.
BANK OF AFRICA BOA
Ouagadougou, Burkina-Faso.

( READ CAREFULLY AND KEEP SECRET)

Greeting, and how are you doing? I hope fine.
Please let this my message do not be a surprise to you because i got your information and lay trust in you before i contacted you.
I am the MANAGER OF AUDIT & ACCOUNTANCY DEPARTMENT of our bank and i decided to contact you over this financial transaction worth the sum of TWENTY TWO MILLION,THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($22,300,000.00).
This is an abandoned fund that belongs to the one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his completely family on 25th oct,2002 in a plane crash disaster. I was very fortune to came acroos the deceased file when i was arranging the old and abandoned customers files of 2003-2004 in other to submit to the bank managements accordingly for documentation purposes.
It is clearly stated in our BANKING FOREIGN POLICY and signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed by the NEXT OF KIN till the period of SIX(6) years starting from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the BANK TREASURY as an unclaimed fund.
Besides,it is not authorized by the law guiding our bank for a citizen of BURKINA FASO to make the claim of the fund.
So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as the NEXT OF KIN to the deceased.
When the fund is transferred into your account,FOURTY PERCENT(40%) will be for you in an assistance and in provision of the bank account,while SIXTY PERCENT (60%) will be for me.
If you are really sure of your integerity, trustworthy and confidentiality,reply with your contact necessary for the transfer and call me as you so that i will let you know the steps to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately.
I will be waiting for your urgent reply.
My. regards to you and your family,

MR BUHARI TIJANI


Dear Mr. Tijani,
Thank you for thinking me in regards to this matter, although I am at a loss to explain how you came up with my name.
Yes, I am really sure of my "integerity, trustworthy and confidentiality," which makes it all the more puzzling why you think that I would wish to be involved in a financial transaction which you freely admit is contrary to many of your country's laws.
Speaking of laws, it does seem strange that a citizen of your country cannot make a claim in cases such as these. What if the next of kin really is a citizen of Burkina Faso?
I didn't realize that the late Senator Paul Wellstone was a client of yours. He's the guy we're talking about, right? His was the only plane crash that I could find for the day in question.
I find it hard to believe that his family forgot about $22,300,000 that they had in your bank. I go crazy when I loose a looney! Also, aren't we rushing it? Even according to you figures, the family still has 18 months to claim the money before it's transfered back to the bank. Wait a minute -- why don't we tell the family about it? I'm sure they'll give us a big reward, and everything will be all on the up and up! We'll split the reward, but I'll take the 60% this time!

Yours,

John

PS. Aw, crap. I forgot to keep it a secret.